You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
