shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
