i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
