with your own penis?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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