I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
