Swine flu. Run for my life!
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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