Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
