No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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