So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
