I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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