Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
