the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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