Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
