Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
