there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
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the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
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He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
how drunk are you?