matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
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I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
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SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"