just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I take back everything I said about communal showers
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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