do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
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He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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