I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize