I cockslap morals
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
