speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
