Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
