I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
