That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
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That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
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There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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