i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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