No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
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Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
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EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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