the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
