I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
