her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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