I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
