My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
