I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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