I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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