Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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