I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Houston, we have a squirter
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
