2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
MIDGETS
????
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
