he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
