I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
