I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
