I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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