I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Such a big mess for such a small penis
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
