Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
