I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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