quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
