This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
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