I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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