her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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