she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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