So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
