we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
