You made eat vitamins until I threw up
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
