Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
