I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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