you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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