I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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