Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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