Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
