Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
