so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
