Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
