Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
