I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
