Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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