John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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