Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
